The "Near" New York Times

TACOMA PARK – Thousands of tricksters convened on Thursday to announce the retirement of the “classic” toilet-paper prank in favor of aggressive cyberbullying. “It’s important that pranks evolve to meet the modern age,” announced Jeremy Rivens, 14, to assembled reporters outside his parents’ home. Rivens declared that “TP-ing”is an inefficient use of tricksters’ limited Halloween stomping hours. “In the same time it takes to mummify one bush you could have spammed someone’s F

HADES – Tempers flared Tuesday on the River Styx as yet another soul arrived carrying only large bills to secure passage to the afterlife, prompting the ire of Underworld staff. “Do I look like a fucking ATM?” seethed Charon, ferryman of the damned, as the soul fumbled in his funereal garb for small change. Recent coin shortages among the living have trickled down to the Underworld, resulting in lengthy processing delays for the newly departed. Indeed, Hell’s administrators h

HADDONFIELD- Citing utter shock in a press briefing Thursday, members of Michael Meyers’ defense team declared they were “blindsided” by eleven blockbuster films showing their client commit bi-annual sprees of unrepentant manslaughter. “How did we miss this,” sighed defense attorney Tom Barringer while speaking with reporters. Meyers’ legal council watched with dismay as prosecutors walked through twenty two hours of footage documenting 147 alleged murders by their reputation

ST. LOUIS - Citing concern players would be denied access to professional head trauma, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell recommended the league’s athletes self-concuss in the event of a delayed start to the 2021 football season. “Our primary concern is that our guys have access to the life-altering neurological damage they’ve become accustomed to,” announced Goodell to assembled coaches Monday evening. Due to risk of viral spread, Goodell declared it wouldn’t be possible for pla

BINGHAMTON- Gathering family members for an important announcement on Monday, sophomore student Kayla Bauer came out to her loved ones as a proud Art History major. The former pre-med student had previously identified as a lover of natural sciences and their medical applications, according to her parents. “It’s a lot to take in. One second your daughter loves organic chemistry, the next she’s showing up to Thanksgiving with The Story of Art by E.H. Gombrich” her father, John

MILWAUKEE- In a touching tribute to her sacrifices over twenty-seven years of parenting, a local mother of four was honored with a well-dressed brunch at IHOP on Sunday. Donna Fischer, 43, received thanks from her husband and children in the form of a Mother’s Day venture to the crowded local pancake restaurant, to which she also drove the five other members of the family in her Honda Odyssey. Dressed in khakis and hastily assumed button-down shirts, the Fischer family respec

SACRAMENTO- Pacing nervously inside his dressing room, Jeopardy contestant Tom Donahue prayed the show would not ask him any questions about birds, the singular topic about which he knew absolutely nothing. The MENSA scholar, whose knowledge spans world history, contemporary literature and modern sports, expressed frantic hope the night’s clues would not address falcons, macaws, and/or geese, all subjects with which he was entirely unfamiliar. “I really, really hope they don’

BETHESDA- According to local insiders, area man Neil Haggarty emphat- ically proposed his friend group play “fuck, marry, kill” at a post-work happy hour on Thursday, unaware that everyone present would elect to kill him. Haggarty, considered the “least essential” of the former college pals, was reportedly clueless that he has long been the unanimous “kill” choice for every member of his inner circle. To make matters worse, the proposal is not the first time the game was sugg

CHICAGO- Forced to conduct business from home while quarantined, Uber Driver Deborah Tulley spends most hours offering her partner little water bottles and use of a phone charger, according to neighbors. “She basically follows her around the house asking if she needs an Android plug or a lightning cord, because she has both ‘just in case’,” confirmed one resident. “Ms. Tulley also has a bunch of those mini Dasani bottles, which she keeps trying to hand back over her shoulder.

PARIS- Speaking with members of the international press, curators from the worlds’ museums admitted shock they’d been suckered into buying so many paintings of fruit. “We really goofed on this fruit stuff guys,” declared Max Steinbrenner of the Rijksmuseum. Officials from the Guggenheim, El Prado and the Louvre insisted they didn’t realize how many portraits of bananas, pears and apples they had on display until they started piling up. “It’s a little embarrassing. We probably

ORLANDO- In a turn of events foreseen by most legal scholars, Orlando theme park Dorsneyland got the literal shit sued out of it in court filings submitted on Tuesday. The resort complex, founded by Roy Dorsney, was found guilty of “transparent plagiarism” on items ranging from characters, such as Morkey Mouse and Ronald Duck, to property names like Pepcot. “We are just getting fucking reamed,” confirmed Jonathon Fessler, the park’s legal counsel. Dorsney, a former ghost impe

DOVER- According to eyewitness reports, a Baltimore man was confirmed alive on Tuesday buried under thousands of unread emails. Experts say it may take EMS personel days to sift through Dan Fleming’s Gmail and ultimately recover the man from his inbox.  Emergency workers were first made aware of Mr. Fleming’s situation when his partner attempted to forward him a GIF, to no response.” “I glance over at his phone and the mail app reads 13,000,” Hammond Fleming recalls with a sh

SEATTLE- Presented with the widest selection of televised content in the history of the human race, local woman Erika Conway hastily scrolled through thousands of  titles to watch  NBC’s The Office for the eleventh time on Wednesday.  Conway, who can recite each of Jim Halpert’s pranks in chronological order, said new shows “aren’t as funny,” insisting that the 60,840 series that have debuted since 2005 contain no comparable chemistry. “The whole ‘will they, won’t they’ vibe

INDIANAPOLIS- On Tuesday, workers at Indiana’s largest Amazon fulfillment center watched as singing Oompa Loompas dragged their injured co-worker from the factory floor, never to be seen again. The employee, Kamil Haggarty, triggered the impish disposal team by tripping on a stray package, according to reports.  “All of a sudden the wall slid back and they came out in jumpsuits, bobbing in time,” reported one anonymous co-worker. Staff described watching as Ms. Haggarty was t

CHICAGO- On Monday, Make-A-Wish employee Carolyn Schneider expressed relief that her twelve-year-old client’s wish was “kind of a lay-up” relative to others. Whereas Ms. Schneider typically struggles to contact Hollywood A-listers or schedule private tours of Disneyland, sixth grader Brandon Doherty wished to visit a Dick’s Sporting Goods. “He didn’t even want a kayak or anything big, just like twenty bucks to buy a hat,” Ms. Schneider said, perplexed. “I asked the kid if he

NEWARK- According to police reports, Newark IKEA manager Carlos Ortega was crippled by a Scandiavian mobster on Thursday after refusing a monthly fee. Witnesses identified Lars Jorgensson, known to law enforcement as “The Mad Fjördman,” as the culprit. Jorgenson is considered the most prolific Nordic mafioso in the tri-state area, with at least eleven Ikea-based assaults with a DIY weapon attributed to the hostile Swede. Criminal profilers say Jorgensson controls as many as t

BERLIN- Researchers at the Technische Universität in Berlin announced the discovery of a new number on Friday, an integer located between six and seven. The value, named “chitch” after its founder Hans Chitch, came as a surprise to nearly all of the scientific world.  Dr. Mackenzie Stalwart, whose grandmother discovered “seven” in the l930s, was ecstatic at the ramifications.” “I mean, we knew that every conceivable value can exist between two integers. But this is different.

For most Americans and some Canadians, tax season can be a headscratcher and moosetonguer, respectively. Never fear! Our staff nabbed an off-brand tax software, RocketMoney ™, to find you returns big enough to impress friends but small enough to delay that career-ending audit. Here’s some answers to your most frequently asked questions! “Does it matter which state I file in?” Nope! Choose whichever one’s your favorite. If it’s not your actual address, be sure to write “whoops

Released on March 20, Nintendo’s Animal Crossing: New Leaf is a fresh addition to a series beloved by kids and parents alike. But be warned, reader: I fucked Tom Nook’s wife, and now he won’t sell me berries.  As a seasoned fan of the franchise, I was astounded by how quickly things turned after cuckolding the sad-eyed owner of the game’s general store. Within minutes, I found myself unable to purchase berries, wool, and/or fabrics, among other items. Such an embargo makes i

NEW YORK- On Monday, a federal judge struck down NYPD’s “Stop-And-Risk” policy for being “overly time-consuming” of the department resources. The practice, which allowed officers to detain civilians for impromptu games of Risk , cost the NYPD nearly 400,000 man hours in 2019. “With this decision we hope to stop the deployment of unending board games against upstanding citizens,” wrote Judge Neil Gafferty in his ruling. According to department records, officers forced between