The "Near" New York Times

FAIRFAX-  In partnership with several weapons manufacturers, the NRA debuted its long-awaited “guns for dogs” initiative at a Thursday press conference. “Home invaders will think twice when they see a rottweiler strapped with an assault rifle,” declared president Carolyn D. Meadows.   Several gun producers in attendance announced breed-specific firearms for 2020, classed by weight. The “infantry” class, recommended for shepherds and spaniels, will feature AR-15s with bump sto

NOVEMBER- Responding to the results of Tuesday’s presidential election, your smug libertarian friend remarked he thought it was “cute” that you support candidates who successfully get elected. “Some of us want real people to represent us,” quipped the high school acquaintance whose presidential nominee received less than one percent of the vote. Labeling both Democrats and Republicans “victims of the two-party scam,” the self-described maverick said he preferred lending his v

WASHINGTON- West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin took home top prize for “Scariest Costume” at the Democrat Halloween Party on Sunday, arriving dressed as himself. “That is hands down the most frightening thing I’ve seen all year,” crowed Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, thrusting the trophy into his colleague’s hands before fleeing the room. Manchin, 74, arrived in his usual suit and tie, carrying a binder of edits he’d made to the as-yet-unapproved infrastructure package.

GENEVA- Speaking before assembled reporters on Friday, the world’s top scientists announced they still have no goddamn clue how platypuses are made. “We really thought we’d have an answer for you guys but these things have us fucking stumped,” declared head researcher Margaret Whitaker.  Despite a trove of data on animal reproductory processes, the panel proposed the platypus exists “in spite, or perhaps because of God,” after decades of fruitless debate. “At one point someon

LOUISVILLE- Thanking the cashier and accepting her change, local woman Tara Quinn patiently held off from eating until the Chik-Fil-A staffer finished blessing her chicken sandwich combo meal.  “And may you draw strength from this, thy Lord’s bounty, that you may resist sins of body thy equal,” intoned 19-year-old Dominic Strauss, hovering his hands above Ms. Quinn’s medium fries.   “I don’t mind the fanfare but sometimes the food gets cold before they finish the Daily Collec

BETHESDA- Speaking through a mouthful of hastily chewed Mike and Ike’s, local man Dave Yaris informed his girlfriend’s family that he’s “kind of a movie buff,” despite common knowledge that Mr. Yaris’s favorite film is Adam Sandler’s Happy Gilmore . “You could say that I’m obsessed with the craft,” continued Mr. Yaris, who quotes Sandler’s 1996 golf parody no less than four times a day. With no prodding by any others present, he went on to vaguely claim “underdog narratives”

ARLINGTON- According to a new report from the Pew Research Center, Americans are substantially more familiar with “secret Disneyworld facts” than with text from the Bill of Rights. Researchers say Americans consistently excelled at identifying Mickey Mouse logos hidden in Magic Kingdom attractions, whereas most were unable to summarize the third amendment. “We were hoping Americans would be able to intuit some limitations of the first amendment, based on how well they knew th